Please tell me if I'm wrong, because I honestly can't see it.
A friend of mine went off at me for not supporting a decision she made to get a tattoo representing her boyfriend and his child after only being together for 6 months.
Back story.
Me : I am the person, (which all of the people I know will agree) who will tell you 'no, that dress doesn't suit you' 'yes, your butt looks big'.. I've been called brutally honest. However, I try to be nice about the way I say things, and then they say 'Ahm, **** we came to you because you would tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear'
Friend : officially separated (did papers etc) in February '15. I said 'why not have some time spent with you and your child, just focus on yourself for a bit now you're away from ****** and maybe meet someone down the track, for now, get to know you again. She said 'yep, I agree, find myself again'
Next thing you know, she says 'oh, I've been talking to this guy'.. blah blah.. ok. Ok. Cool. Yep. You know what, if it feels right, it's right I suppose.
With him in total (benefit of the doubt) 6 months.. she got a tattoo, for him, and his daughter. (Not names, just to symbalise).
(All through text)
Now she asked me what I thought of it... big mistake. My first question 'is that to symbolize blah and blah' she said 'yep, do you like it' ... I had so much to say, but I just said 'no'. (Thought to myself, 'just keep your mouth shut') she said ' well, why don't you like it' I then replied 'if I don't have anything nice to say, I'm not going to' she said 'oh, well, I don't care, because it's on me, not you and I like it, soooo... ' to which I reply, 'you're exactly right, it's on you, not me, but why ask if I like it, if you don't care'..
I didnt get a response.
Then an hour later, she wrote this whole novel, and I mean novel, about how I should support her desicion, and that I shouldn't say things implying she's stupid, blah blah..
(If it wouldn't out my identity, I'd send along the screen shots to prove that's all I said, so no where did I imply she was stupid)
To which my reply was 'so, I support your desicion, to elope, after you knew how much money I'd spent planning your hens, I supported you by coming with you to your anti natal classes because your husband didn't want to, supported your choice to change classes at uni , supported your choice to leave him, supported you by helping you move, taking you and your child in while having my own commitments and children and you want to carry on because I don't support your desicion to get a tattoo representing a guy and a his child, who you've been dating for 6 months, and in that 6 months (wait for it) have thought he was cheating on you twice and had planned to break up with literally a week before you got your tattoo... ok then"
And since then, things have been a little rough.. meaning. We've seen each other twice (in 2 months) and both times you can sense the elephant in the room, but I refuse to apologize...
So what do you say guys and girls..
9 Replies
I think it's turned into a child parent relationship. She is the child and you are the parent, she is in her rebellious phase! Not very healthy dynamic for either of you.
Hahahaha. I know I'm not meant to laugh but damn! No you are not being stubborn. Your friend is an idiot!!
You did the right thing and you're soooooooo right.
THANKYOU!
I just thought.. like really.. after EVERYTHING else I've supported you with, you want to carry on over an f'ing tattoo.
Laugh away. It is quite comical ?
Fair enough that you think it's minor but to her she doesn't so I think on both of your parts (your friends and yours) perhaps a little empathy is required.
Sorry I'm going to disagree. She's doing things you don't like and you're making her feel bad. I'd feel worthless if a friend rattled that list off to me honestly.
It does sound like you think she's an idiot and youve put yourself in a superior/parent role to list off all the things that have happened in her life.
No doubt she doesn't want that, she wanted to chat with a friend about her tattoo.
She's right it's on her body and itll be her fuck up/ memory so you don't need to be rude about it you could have just said you don't like it and explain the reason in a friendly way, and if she goes ahead, discuss the design and colour and placement etc. Dont shut down the conversation because you don't approve ( which implies you think it= she is totally stupid).
My guess is its very little to do with this conversation, but more like this is an issue that's been building between you and this was just the last straw that tipped her.
I agree with the above poster that your friend has a right to be upset. I believe friends are not there to be judge and jury (like a parent may do) but to listen and be supportive irrespective of whether you agree with the choices or not. It may be my intertpretation of what was written but it sounds a tad condescending and if I interpreted my friend as being condescending (note I didn't say the op was but that was an interpretation albeit maybe an incorrect one) I wouldn't necessarily be keen to continue a close friendship with someone I was thinking was judging me.
While I think your friend has been an idiot.... Probably didn't need to list the things you've supported her through. I'd maybe apologise for that but still sticking to the bones of what you were saying - I've supported you a lot through lots of things, it's insulting that you'd say that to me over a tattoo.
This is literally my relationship with my sister. I'm like you and she's like your friend. Just stupid choice after stupid choice. Her life is a trainwreck. But you know what I realised? NOTHING... and I mean nothing... I say will ever, ever, ever, stop her making really bad choices. So in the long run, it's better to just smile and nod and keep all negative opinions to myself. Your relationship does sound very 'parent/child'. Ironically, I had a friend who played parent with me... despite the fact that I'm in complete control with my lfie etc. She's just that kind of person with everyone. She purposefully goes out of her way to meet trainwrecks just so she can give them advice and parent them. Didn't work out with me, so she's backed off, because we did butt heads. So be careful, that you're not keeping her around, just so you can feel superior in some way, by 'supporting her' .... but offering constant advice.. etc.
I don't see why you felt the need to approve or disapprove of her decision. You can be supportive without necessarily agreeing with someone's choices and in this case, i think you have treated this lady like a child over something that has absolutely no affect or bearing on you personally. I have a close relative like this who constantly pushes her opinions about things that have ZERO affect on her personally and honestly, you could have just said i personally wouldn't have jumped into getting a tattoo so quickly but as long as you're happy with it that's all that matters. Because if you're being honest, your friend didn't once ask if you agreed with the symbolism of her new tattoo, just merely whether you liked the tattoo itself. No need to treat your friend like she's brainless by passing judgement on her decisions-and you did. I think start worrying about things that have an affect on you and everything else should be neither here nor there whether it is something you agree with or not.