My 6 year old daughter is struggling with 50/50 care and I don't know how to approach the subject with her father.
A little background, her father and I separated 1 1/2 years ago after he wished to move out with someone he fell in love with. I actually had no issues with this as our relationship was over a long time ago, although always friendly as friends. So there has never been any fights or bad feelings, we both moved on quite easily. At first we had 60/40 care of our two children, but our daughter had just started school, she was struggling with mid week pick ups and we got together to discuss this. I made it clear that my main priority was her not feeling anxious and we needed to change what we were doing. I first said that perhaps she could be at my house through the school week and at his on weekends so her weekly school routine is a settled one. That didn't work for him and he threw a tantie. Eventually we settled on 50/50 so at least her school week she was at the same home.
Since making this decision at the start of last year, a lot has changed, I have moved house in with a new partner and am
Now expecting a 3rd child. Her father lives with his new partner and her child. She also changed schools at the start of this year to accommodate the distance between her fathers house and mine. Her whole little life has been changed around, which I understand in itself is stressful.
Now we're here, for the last 6 months she has started having serious separation anxiety with me. She has said she only wants to have one house and she doesn't like going to both houses. She says she loves both of us lots and the same, but wants to be living in my house and he her dad 'sometimes'. When at his house she'll ring me everyday, until he said she can't ring anymore because she cries when she gets off the phone. She won't go to school on my weeks without crying every morning, she is fine with him and going to school. I take her on play dates and she'll only sit with me because she doesn't want to miss me.
She'll cry and scream at change over and tell her dad she wants to live with me and won't let him near her. She's struggling and anxious and I want her to feel secure and loved. I tell her that we both love her, that it's nice she gets to be with is both, but it's not working.
I want to talk to her father about listening to her, tell him how much it is affecting her way of life, but he won't listen. He had to do 50/50 as a child so he doesn't see why she shouldn't either, but he wasn't like her as a child.
What can I do? I want to help her, I want to put her first and get her back to the happy carefree child she was. It's so upsetting to see her like this week in week out.
Her brother has adjusted perfectly and there is no issues with him (3)
Sorry this is so long :( am I being selfish for asking him if she can be at my home more? Do you think that's what she needs? I am so confused and I don't want to start a war, but she needs to come first and it's not working anymore
3 Replies
You have to speak to your ex and make him see that his selfishness is affecting her happiness and development. I would start keeping a journal of everything and consider going for full custody through the courts if you cannot settle it amicably and in your daughters best interests.
How stressful it must be for you send your little girl.
In our experience, 50/50 did not work. Whilst I am sure it works for some, it is definately not for all.
My step son lives with us and goes to his mothers every second weekend which was mutually agreed upon when he started school. This was due to maintaining a routine, giving the child stability and ensuring they knew we were up to date with all things school and sport and would follow them through. He no longer had to worry about who was picking him up, where was he staying and if he wasn't with us was he allowed to do his sports etc.
It was difficult to bring it up but we felt his best interests had to count for something and stability and his sense of safety were priority.
Your daughter may be very safe with your ex but if that's not how she feels, imagine what that is doing to her....
I would suggest if your ex doesn't want to listen or negotiate, try mediation or speaking with his partner if she is approachable. Make it clear it is for your daughter, not you. Also reassure your daughter she will not get punished for being honest with what she wants. Best of luck.
We have 50/50 with my step daughter and have done since she was 18 months she's now 10. They need routine. It's not selfish of the dad to want to see his child equally.... You both need to support her make her aware you both love her and want her in your life, that she's apart of both families, try and have the same routine at both houses. Our 50/50 is half week each and all are happy with this. We have discussed doing week about but my stepdaughter doesn't want to be apart from either family for an entire week. When she was younger if she seen/spoke to the parent she wasn't with she would get upset but as she got older its best for her if she speaks to the other parent to say goodnight. Maybe some counselling for all involved would help. Good luck