My 10 year old son has picked his bully out of a hat for his class secret santa. This kid has been calling my son "gay" and not allowing him to play with quite a few of the other boys for two years now. Also just yesterday I found out that the same boy and a few of his friends are picking on a girl in the same class and calling her "ISIS"! It makes me sick to think children can spew such hate and others are on the receiving end of such vile behaviour. (The school has been informed of these incidence and are taking action). So here is my dilemma.. what to do about this gift..? Do I get this kid a box of chocolates and not make mention of what has happened or do I take this opportunity to stand up for my son and let this bully know that what he does is not ok!
So the gift has to be $5 give or take a few dollars. I was thinking a framed quote or verse about bullying might be a good idea... I have seen many, but came across this one that I like and have edited a little, but I'm wondering if it may be too harsh?
"Being a bully doesn't make you cool, It just means that you have low self esteem and your're not brave enough to accept it. Bringing others down is not a sign of strength, people who are strong spread love and acceptance, not rejection and hate. Nothing is cooler than someone who endeavors to be strong and confident and spread what they wish to receive in return."
What do you think? Do you know any better ones? Is this a bad idea? Should I just give him a knuckle sandwich? (Just joking lol) What should I do?
11 Replies
No don't do it. The secret Santa is just that, a secret Santa, it's not specifically from your son. It's not the time for a life lesson. Let the school do there job,and just buy some chocolates, just like you would any other child.
If you feel really uncomfortable about buying a gift for this child talk to the class teacher. Don't include a poem.
Totally agree with this!
No don't use secret santa to send an underhanded message to someone. That would hurt!
Teach your son to be the bigger person and you don't air your grievances anonymously or dressing it up as a gift.
I can totally understand though that you don't feel like giving him anything, but remind your son that everybody needs kindness and normally it's the meanest who need it the most.
It'll make you feel good afterwards that your actions were kind not mean.
Why not give a positive message? Santa does have a naughty and nice list after all!!!
Personally I would hand the name back to the teacher and tell them it's not happening.
Yes I believe it is good to teach your child kindness however I also believe in teaching your child that you can walk away from people and not associate yourself with them if they are repeatedly not nice.
Why constantly open yourself up to hurt from the same person? Yes open your heart but some people only deserve so many chances.
Poster here. I just want to address those who are calling me a bully. I'm not a bully. Bullying is not a one off thing that someone does and my intention was not to be mean to this kid. It was to make him aware of what he is doing and for him to maybe learn something from a quote. I wondered if maybe I was riled up a little and maybe it was harsh, that's why I asked.. but as I said my intention wasn't to be nasty. I am not a bully, nor have I ever been.
When my son came home and told me that he had picked his bully for secret santa I was annoyed especially because my son also mentioned that the bully came up to him and said "SHIT! I GOT YOU!". So they both picked each other and the bully ruined the secret part for my son, so in return my son told him he had also picked him. My son was then told that this boy was talking (to other kids) about getting my son a barbie doll as a present! I failed to mention this because I was so focused on looking for the right quote and asking for opinions on it. This kid, the bully, is a very smart boy in class, gets good grades, goes to all the sports available, his parents are very loving towards him.. yes I understand that things can seem one way on the outside and be very different at home, but I just don't get that vibe from this kid and his family. To me he seems like a spoiled little shithead who is allowed to do whatever he pleases.
Now as someone who was bullied myself, I look back and wish I stood up for myself more. When I came across this quote it said everything I wish I could go back and say to my bullies (without being mean) when it was happening to me. I then wondered if that it might be something my son would look back on and think, *Good on me for sticking up for myself*. My son doesn't need to learn lessons on being kind and nice to people, he is already the sweetest, kindest, most gentle boy, who would never hurt or upset a fly. I've raised him good! AND I COULD NOT BE MORE PROUD OF HIM!
All that aside the Secret Santa presents were given out last week and we decided against the quote, because my son didn't feel comfortable giving a frame with writing on it. So we got the boy a chocolate soft serve emoji pillow instead. The kid loved it. I personally think the present was a pile of shit, but that was lost on both my son and the other kid. Win win.
Also my son won't be going back to the same school as we have just built a house in another area.
Can I ask what your son got from him in return? I totally understood where you were coming from btw. I think you've done the right thing here so well done. Have a great Christmas IM ?
I would NOT being buying this particular child a gift, I would make the teacher aware see if you can swap with another child if they thisbisbnot an option than I would let the teacher know youbwill not be purchasing this child a gift.
Bullying is unacceptable but to handle it like that is a little passive aggressive and as an adult you should know better.
I would also be on at the school every other day until this is reaolved 2 years is a long time and more than enough time for the school to fix it
Haha if the idea was your sons I would have said do it. Its your son standing up for himself and showing the bully he isnt scared. If it was your idea then no. Your son has to fight this in his own way while you are there to support him and ensure he is safe he needs to learn to stand up for himself because lets face it this is not the last time he will be bullied
Buy the gift and let it go. My daughter had this same issue with the child who hurt her physically. Gave the gift and let it go.
For many years as a child I was bullied and teased incessantly by a girl in my class. Small town and no real chance of changing schools etc. Anyway, in year 5 I got her out of the hat to buy secret santa gift for. I didn't want to buy her a gift or if I did I wanted to give her something rubbish. My mum said no, you don't know what is going on in her life to make her act that way. Be the type of person you would like her to be. Well, I gave her a really nice present and a card that said I hope your future is great.
Forward a few years and as an adult we reconnected. Warily on my part. We became friends and I found out that she had been abused by several members of her family for years already by the time I gave her the gift. She said that my gift had given her hope that not everyone wanted to hurt her and had prevented her from taking her own life.
We have been friends for years now and I will always be greatful to my mum for her sage advice.
Thankyou.