Hi IM's
Ok, so my partner and I split about 2yrs ago and have had an amicable shared care arrangement with our now 3 1/2yo. I have been having some issues with discipline for a while now and I have felt like the 'bad cop' because I am always the one who stands my ground when it comes to discipline ie; no means no and putting up with the resulting tantrum, hoping to avoid a spoilt brat down the line. Problem is, Dad gives in on pretty much everything to avoid the tantrums at any cost because he can't deal with the noise etc (he does suffer from anxiety but I don't really think its a good enough excuse) so when our daughter comes back to me, she pushes the boundaries to the max and it takes me days to get her behavior back on track....then she's back to Dads and the cycle starts again. I know this is pretty normal for a kid who is back and forth between houses and have just done the best I could to keep her on course.....until now.
She attends a family daycare on the 2 days that she is at her Dads (to take some of the pressure off him mostly) and yesterday the daycare Mum came to see me to tell me that her behaviour has gotten to the point where she can no longer take her. Incidents (which he didn't inform me of in the first place and I'm quite frankly mortified that my child has been behaving in this way for so long!) ranging from not listening and disrupting all the other kids, to picking up an infant that had a broken collarbone after being told not to touch her. She is not ADD or anything, but I am worried with her actions that she will be labelled as such when she starts kindy/prep and be treated like a 'bad' kid, when mostly it is just excitement and a short attention span, which myself and the daycare Mum both believe stems from Dad appeasing her every whim to avoid tantrums and acting more like her friend than her parent.
So I guess my question is, how do I approach this and make him realise that his way of parenting is actually causing more harm than good and that he needs to start being more consistent with how he deals with her wants. I have seen so many incidents where he will say no, then give in simply because she is having a meltdown, so she knows that if she just keeps screaming she will eventually get what she wants. I'm at my wits end and I don't want to cause an argument, but I have already tried to raise the issue and he just doesn't seem to want to change because he can't see the long term consequences for her and everyone around her.
TIA
5 Replies
Its a tough one, because I think the family daycare provider has over reacted based on what you have said. I haven't heard anything that's not pretty normal three year old behaviour. I work with 3 year olds and they all interrupt, do something they were just told not to do etc.
Does your ex only have her 2 days a week?
Yes he only has her 2 days a week, he can't cope with any more. And the main reason the daycare Mum has had to come to this decision is because the days she is there, she is the oldest child and she has 3 more kids under 2 to deal with and my daughters behavior has endangered those kids at times. Unfortunately she doesn't have any places free on the other days so she had to come to that decision. Mind you, she was apologetic that it has come to that. She also agrees that it is pretty normal behavior for a 3yo in her situation, just that Dads way of dealing with it is making life very hard for everyone else and will impact on her social skills coming up to school etc
Sounds like your girl was just a victim of being the easy one to go in that situation. Try backing her, it wasn't her fault so the carer shouldn't really have said it's because of her behavior, it's because the carer can't cope with her workload. Not your daughters fault.
Find her another daycare that will support her, and also help the father giving him tools as well. He'll probably listen to them more than he will to you.
Get a larger daycare centre more like a kindy set up. The truth is even if your ex wasn't a pushover this was going to happen anyway. It's the daycare worker. Plus even kids who come from homes where both parents are pushovers go on to function perfectly well in kindy and school.
A larger daycare will have her around children her own age so she won't be distracted by little ones and will be more run like a kindy day giving her more opportunities to practice the behaviours you want.
Truth is most kids are around a soft touch person for significant time, wether that be a parent, grandparent or older sibling who babies them, and they turn out fine. As long as you've got the 5 days a week as she ages it will get easier.
Your daughter sounds like a pretty normal 3 yr old, the day care worker sounds as though she cannot cope with the load and that's nothing to do with your daughter. The only way you can do this is by talking to your ex and if he doesn't comply I don't think there is anything you can do. Find your daughter a bigger daycare centre and one that can cope with her normal behaviour. Let her know that she cannot act that way. It's a struggle but they eventually get it and understand. She will keep acting this way for her dad but it should ease up for you.