Hey lovely ladies, sorry for the essay but I have found myself in a little bit of a situation and need some guidance.
I feel like I'm loosing myself and my partner. My partner (26yrs) and I (25yr) are currently living with my parents as we're building a house. We have 3 children under 5, my daughter (4yrs), my step son (also 4yrs, he dosent live with us) and a baby together who is (6months). The kids aren't a problem they are gorgeous well behaved beautiful babies and we both treat them and love them as is if they were our own. My parents are a little overwhelming but im greatful for them giving us a roof over our head while we build our house. Anyway the problem is my partner, he was recently diagnosed with ptsd because of his last relationship and is currently seeing a psychologist because of it but his behaviour has become so hard to deal with!! He expects me to do so many things around the house, with the kids and with him. Im working two jobs to get this house built and what i do isn't good enough for him!! For an example my son and i got very sick with the flu and i was up with him from 4am to 9am and when he went to sleep so so did I, well i got woken up by my daughter and hour later as she woke up and wanted breakfast and to start our day (partner was still sleeping). I got her breakfast, sat her down at the table, grabbed the washing from the drying dumped it on the floor ready to be folded and went to check on my son and fell asleep on the chair in his room cuddling him as he had woken up again was maybe 10 min anyway I was then later woken by my partner telling my daughter loudly that I'm lazy and I do nothing around the house in such a sarcastic horrible voice, he then started a fight with me and walked out side to work on his car before work. This hasn't been the first time this has happened, he has abused me and started fights about little things then later apologises to me and uses his ptsd as an excuse. He's shoved me aside before and got in my face once when I've stuck up for myself after his gran mother passed. I know all of it is stress from his passed abuse from his ex but i can't deal with it any more!! I do everything for the kids its almost like im doing it on my own because he just isnt there, he'll feed himself before the kids or tell me to do things for them and go work on the car while im always the last one to eat my cold dinner after the kids have eaten bathed then been put to bed, dont get me wrong hes an awesome dad and dose help sometimes but hes more about himself than anything. To add to it all we havent kissed/hugged in weeks and havent had any sexual contact in months!! I've tried to talk to him about it all but it only starts a fight and he just cant talk to me about anything... The questions is knowing all this should i cut my losses and walk away from him, our family and our house and start over or deal with it till he can get over his ptsd?? We've been together 3 going on 4 yrs now its been like this for 2 yrs..
A partber with ptsd...
A partber with ptsd...
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Self Care
5 Replies
PTSD is NOT an excuse for this behaviour.
His diagnosis might be recent, but he would of had it at the start of your relationship, too. And from what you've written, it sounds as though this behaviour is more recent.
To me, it sounds as though he is just being an ass because he knows he can play the 'I have PTSD' card and all will be forgiven.
Having a partner with PTSD is a challenge. It is hard work.
But it is not an excuse for being an asshole.
I'm sorry you're being treated this way, IM. I suggest that you both see a therapist - both as a couple and separately - before you decide to do what's best for you and your family.
Good luck x
He is abusung you, it doesn't matter what the underlying cause is, he is abusing you. You wouldn't accept this behaviour from a friend, you wouldn't accept it from your parents, so why would it be acceptable from the one person who is supposed to love you the most. Mental illness is not an excuse to abuse someone.
I'd be getting advice from a DV support organisation and leaving as soon as you can.
I would ask if you can have a double appointment with the Psychologist!
He needs to be told by a third party that this is not ok!! Who knows at the end of the day this all could be from his ptsd, the one with the answer will be the psychologist weather they give him tools to stop how he is lashing out or to give you the tools to cope/walk away.
His behavior is damaging to you and your daughter. Each time you accept it it gets worse and you lose yourself more. The excuse doesn't matter the damage is the same to you and to her. Everybody in an abusive relationship has the same complicated story of why they stay, reasons excuses, it's sad for him, but you can choose tostay because of his troubles, or leaving to save yourself and your daughter from his troubles becoming hers.
If you choose to stay. Decide now what it will take to leave. And be ready that if you accept it and don't leave now, it will be very very hard to leave by time you get to that.line being crossed. Now is your best chance.
I often treat my partner this way (I have ptsd). I have never once felt like he was going to leave me. I wish he would and I feel incredibly guilty every single day. Most days I just want to die so I can stop putting him through this. My brain is faulty and when I'm thinking logically I'm a totally different person, when I'm irrational I 100% believe my terrible behaviour is justified. My husband and I see a psychologist together every week. It helps but this behaviour still happens every week at a minimum. I'm not saying your husband is the same, but it might be a little bit of perspective.