I dont know what to do.
I finally left my x (we have a 4 month old son) because of addiction and abuse.
He never has worked i have supported us both the entire time i worked as long as i could while pregnant i have to justify my money but could not ask him where his went or i would apparently 'have no trust in him and be monitoring him" he would costantly lie about where he was, whst he was doing, and come home and accuse me of insane things. I was at the point where i was thinking i was going insane because he would tell me i had done something or said something that i absolutely had not. And no matter what i said he would act like i was the asshole and he "knew" and their was no swaying him.
Example - he would go out (when i was pregnant) and come back and say 'oh so who did you have here when i was gone' when i had litterally not have moved other then to go to the toilet or fridge. And when i would tell him that his response would be "well this bit of dirt wasnt on the floor when i left so a fairy must of walked it in"
And the fighting would go on for hours.
Fast forward because i could go on for days,i left him when our son was not even 2 months because he hurt me infront of my son and that was my breaking point and since then he was abusive when he came for visitations, when i let him care for our son for 5 hours he didnt feed him (our son feeds like clockwork ever 3 hours) broke in multiple times, i had an AVO put on him.
He is now only allowed to contact me to orgsnise to see our son. After everything that has happened i dont trust him to care for our son. I decided to meet him in a park to talk about visitations and so he could see our son. Within 15 minutes he was back to "telling me" horrible things that he "knows" iv done since splitting up with him.(having sex with ex's??) And i have no idea where he gets these thing from but he is 100% wrong.
It might sound like nothing but he degrades me and belittles me in this way for years and he knows the mental affect it has had on me and uses it to crush me still. It ended in me yelling at him and crying hysterically and he act like im insane because "you were the one who did it and look how your acting"
I thought it was the drugs that turned his perception of me warped but apparently he is doing rehab as an outpatient?
Since leaving him every day my life is slowly getting better and going back to normal. Everyone else sees me for who i am and my happy personality is coming back slowly.
my question i need answered is - i dont want to have my son anywhere near him. Who knows how he will be infront of him?! But i dont want my son to grow up and not know his dad or not have a dad? Im so torn, i know i need to put my resentment aside and do whats right for our son, but i dont know what that is?
Abuse or not having a dad?
Please help
5 Replies
Don't let him see his son.
Tell him he needs to take you through mediation in order to have access. IF he gets round to taking you to mediation, ask for supervised visits in a contact centre based on his history of violence and drug use and failure to feed the child and take care of basic needs.
Don't try and do any negotiations with him directly outside of mediation. It is too dangerous, and he is not capable of reason.
If he can't organise the mediation process, he is not ready to have contact with his son.
I'd also contact a women's legal service to more detailed advice as they are experts in these situations.
You need to do thw right thing for you and your son and if that means cutting his dad out then so be it. Fact of the matter is your ex is a horrible person if he started to mentally abuse your son like his doing to you or worse your son learns his behaviour and thinks its ok to treat ppl the way his father treats you that could seriously damage your sons future. I would be fighting for sole custody to protect you and your sons future.
I am in an almost similar situation. As i do not want to take away my sons right to know his father but can not trust that he would be safe with him my lawyer has requested supervised visitation at a contact service.
A padi professional will be in a room with him at all times. I do not have to see him. If the professional deems him to be innapropriatw the visits will be cut off-
Get legal advice.
Your ex could be my ex, he was insane and even used to check what underwear I was wearing after I left him and accuse me of sleeping with others and virtually cheating on him, even though we weren't in a relationship.
What I did was tell him I wanted orders, he threatened me when I said that so I told him to take me to mediation and court. He gave me the lies of getting clean but he wasn't and now a year and a half later still isn't. I have reminded him with every message or phone call he has made that I am leaving it to him to arrange mediation. If you are safe to do so, get the orders in place yourself and ask for supervised visitation at a contact centre, it leaves you out of it and you drop off and walk out while someone watches him.
We're we with the same person? I could have seriously written this myself. I was advised to get emergency custody through legal aid. Get in touch with your local DV services and they will be a wealth of information and support for you. Report his abuse to the police and continue to report any breaches, a basic avo includes no threats or harassment. Organise to have supervised visits at a contact centre if you can find one so you do not have to deal with him. Record EVERYTHING, every message, every event in a dated diary. Call the child abuse prevention hotline and get some advice, they were fantastic and supportive to me and record that you have called. If you feel he is unsafe with your child and there is no court order you do not have to hand your child over.