How do I stop my emotionless battle?

Hi all Imperfect Mums, I am not sure how to ask or even what I am asking, but I know I need help showing affection.

(Background story) I grew up in a horrible home. I was beaten, abused and among other things, made to feel unloved and useless. My mother never showed me (or my siblings) any affection. Never a nice word said, no hugs, nothing. It was just screaming, beating, emotional abuse and constant put-downs. I was never allowed to cry or I would be beaten, I was never able to show emotion growing up. (Kids were to be seen, not heard)

Now I am finding myself with a wonderful husband and I am blessed with the most beautiful children I could've hoped for.

My problem is, since my children started going to daycare and I returned to work, I feel I have completely lost all emotional connection with them. I also had a third pregnancy and left work with severe complications and it made it difficult to even play with them. It also made me frustrated and grumpy which unfortunately took a toll on my relationship with them. Which has now become the norm. I feel so horrible. I see hubby going in to say goodnight to each of them, hearing them laughing and playing as daddy says goodnight. And now I am finding myself sitting here. After months of no contact with them, I feel uncomfortable going in to say goodnight. It is like I am dragging myself by the teeth, to just go in and say goodnight. I see them cuddle up to daddy and wanting to sit with daddy at every chance. But never mummy.

I have realised I have never even told them I love them. It just doesn't feel right to me. I have also been pointed out by hubby, I don't even say it to him. I have tried, I think about it all the time. But now I just choke on the words. Even if I do give my child a cuddle, it just feels awkward and uncomfortable. My whole body tenses up when I try to show affection. I see mums at school giving their kids big cuddles and kisses at drop off and telling them they love them, and wish it wasn't so hard and uncomfortable for me.

Hubby has pointed out that I do seem quite emotionless. It takes ALOT to make me laugh, I only smile out of politeness. I bottle up my anger/frustration and all other emotions. It is like I have just become a cooking/cleaning, child supervising robot. I hate it. How do I fix myself? I want to be the fun loving mummy I was a few years ago. I want them to feel loved. I don't want to become like my mother.