I IMs, please excuse the length. I'm having a very hard time right now, please be kind.
I don't know where to turn, or how to act.. My partner and I of 4 years got into a huge argument four days ago, it was very loud and a bit physical, (he pushed me against the wall screaming in my face and I pushed him off leaving claw marks on his chest), the police where called by my neighbors, and he was giving a 24 hour move on notice, (which he broke by staying in his car in front of my house). I've seen him for a about five seconds in person when he came to get some stuff, he wouldn't talk to me because my friend was there.. Even in private. Anyway, here is my problem at first he was very admit he wanted to work it out, he wanted both of us to get help (he has an alcohol dependency, and I have anger, trust issues and depression) I agreed, I wanted us to be healthy for our kids. I went on this, booked myself in to see someone and picked him up some flyers. Two days later, complete 180, he tells me that there is no point, I should work on myself and he will just disappear, he says he is a peice of shit who will never change. My heart is breaking, how could he give up before it even begin? I cried harder then I've ever cried, I can't stop. I used to self harm as a teenager and I fell back into it last night, I tried to call beyond blue, but the lady sounded bored and rude, I need up hanging up on her and crying, I cut myself and I feel horrible, like an addict who gave in after being five years sober. He hurt me so bad I wanted to take my mind off the emotional hurt, I wanted to control SOMETHING. I've never hurt so much, because he gave me the hope and took it all away. Why am I not worth fighting for? How can he give up on us so easily and not even care? How do I move past this? I feel so lost alone, I just want to shut everyone out, and throw myself back into the easy road of crying and cutting, but I know I can't. I'm seeking help, but it's a week until I can even see anyone and I don't know how to deal with this!
6 Replies
Has it occurred to you that he is calling it quits because he does care about you. He knows he isn't good for you and wants you to have a healthy non toxic life. It's time to work on you and work on your self esteem so you are strong wether you are in a relationship or not. I suspect once the dust settles and you are feeling stronger again you will realise he has done you a favour. He is giving you the best chance of success and safety.
Go speak to your doctor and tell them where your head is at with the cutting etc. don't punish yourself for cutting. Break ups are painful no matter what circumstances they are under.
Now I'll explain how living someone so much can make you leave them. I'm in love with someone. Have been for years, and he loves me. We can never be together though. We tear each other apart when we are together. Apart we are fantastic functioning members of society. Together we are a walking disaster.
It's not that you're not worth it. You're worth so much better than this, but if you don't realise it and walk.away, you won't get it. Not here, not with him, not now. You're worthy of not being abused , not having neighbors call police, not having all the issues and hurt and letdown. You can't force somebody to treat you right, do better or try to, or realize your worth. If you stay with that, or beg him to be with you, you're selling yourself really short and you'll be really unhappy in the long run.
Grieve for your relationship, then dust yourself off and do the work to get your life on track independently so you don't settle for this in your life and your children's.
First of all, well one to your neighbours for stepping in that is a hard thing for them to have to do. You asked "why am I not worth fighting for?" Maybe he is feeling the same? Maybe he's embarrassed at his behaviour, that it got that bad the police were involved, or even horrified that he let himself take things that far (could even be scared of not being in control of himself again and things could be worse next time) . .. Maybe his way of responding to the feelings is putting him self down and giving up. It may just have everything to do with him, and not you (not meaning for this to sound harsh) then again maybe he's an ass. I am horrified at the disrespect the lady gave you from beyond blue, they are there to support people in their hour of need, which for some people is make or break. I'd be reaching out to that friend that was there when he came to get his stuff . . .a week sounds like a long time when you are in this type of situation, and it does sound like you need someone there now, what about a family member even if its only for you to vent? Throwing your energy into your kids is also a great distraction. Personally if my partner pushed me up against a wall, and police were involved, I wouldn't be wanting him back. You can do this . . ..
You don't say what your relationship was like before the fight. Was it something to hold onto or in hindsight is it best to let it go? If it's something to hold onto why the hell are YOU not fighting for it? He says "Oh I don't want to" and you go and cry and cut. Nah, ah! If he's lost his testicles you'll have to get yours out! You go and find him and tell him if he thinks it's so fucking great to walk away he can at least go with you to see someone and see what it is exactly he's walking out on, what could be if he was willing to put in the work and then if he still chooses to go you know that you've done what you could and he isn't walking from you, he's walking because he's a lazy bitch that doesn't want to put in the hard yards. On the other hand if you look back and think maybe it wasn't all sunshine and roses, thank your lucky stars and make sure the door is never open for him to walk back in. Don't let a man with can'tbefuckeditis be a reason to cut yourself.
Kelly here from The Imperfect Mum team - and I've just pushed your question ahead in the line up and hope that it helps asap. It's on Facebook now and I hope the responses help!
Please keep us updated on how you are going x
Yes you are right, you can't cut and cry anymore. You have a beautiful life ahead of you with your children with or without him. He does not define who you are..... You do. Of course you are worth fighting for..... So you fight to get yourself back on track. While you are waiting for your appointment book into the doctors to have chat to them about how you are feeling, call a friend you can confide in to talk about how you are feeling. You can do this, you don't need him or him fighting for you. Good luck!