Dear imperfect mums,
Please bare with me this may be a little long but I honestly need some advice..
I have a 7yo daughter who lives with me and her biological dad lives over 3000ks away in our home town we moved away 3 years ago, she has been fling back and forth since then on majority of the school holidays to visit her father. When she is down their he spoils her rotten and promises her horses etc..
But it has come to the point where my daughter wants to go and live with her father and his partner and their two girls, instead of with my partner, her new little brother and I.
Everyone I have spoke to has told me to let her go down and live with her dad and she will come home when she realises it's not as great as when she is on holidays. Otherwise she will resent me when she is older and will run away or just leave when she is older.
I understand all of this but I still don't know if I let her go if I'm doing the right thing I feel like I've failed at my job as a mum, That she won't ever want to come home.
I guess what I'm asking has anyone been in any situation like this and what did you do?
Thankyou
3 Replies
Here is how I see it. It isn't a failure as a mother, if a kid wants to love with there father. Although it would hurt me I'd let her go, on the condition that she comes back for school holidays the same she did for dad. It sounds like it could be a great opportunity for her to bond with her other family, and see that it's not all school holidays and horses. Because that's what she is thinking right. It's not about you being a bad mum, or failing.
She will work it out, but stopping her going, when it is safe to do so I think would be a mistake.
I'm in the same boat I have a 8 & 7 year old girls who haven't seen their father for 4 years but all my oldest remembers of her father is the presents he used to turn up with when he felt like seeing the kids. When he turned up on my door step a few weeks ago with no contact for the last 4 years, I asked my girls if they would like to see him, youngest one said no and the eldest said yes. I asked why, she said because he buys us lots of presents but doesn't love him. I have got them in to seeing a councillor to talk to them as a third party (not bias) to show that presents don't mean as much as love and nurture that they get from me and the little gifts they get over time (if that makes sense?)
I am writing from the perspective of the step mother who has her now 11 year old ss live with us full time and go to his mothers for half the holidays. I have been in my ss life since he was 2.5 and his parents had been separated for 1.5 yrs at that stage. We had 50/50 custody for some time until he decided he wanted to be with us as he knew he would get to school on time and go to parties etc. In consultation with his mum, we negotiated this and I am the main communicator between us and her ensuring that things remain calm and open. We decided we wanted to move interstate a couple of years ago which meant he would only see her in the holidays as opposed to every 2nd wknd and his mother had to make the choice to let him go. I cried when telling her about it and presented her with a suggested parenting plan still including her in decisions etc and she agreed to let him move. This decision for me would have been heartbreaking and one I would not ever want to have to make, however, I do think about this mum and she chose to let him have new experiences. The option is always there to return to how it is now if things don't work out but why deny them something that may shape their life forever?? I believe a 7 year old has the ability to realise what they want, whether it be for selfish reasons or not. They are also entitled to make mistakes and have the opportunity to learn from them. She may want female company in her ss as opposed to a baby brother. It could be completely innocent and she simply misses her dad. While I feel for you and your family in this situation, I urge you to be open minded and think of the benefits your daughter could get out of this experience and the special times you and her can have when you see her. I think the main thing is to keep all communication lines open and available and ensure she has the opportunity to contact you whenever she wants to. I hope this has given you some insight and best of luck with such a hard time in your life.... PS It doesn't make you a failure as a mother, it shows your daughter trusts you and loves you enough to be able to be open about her feelings and knows you only have her best interests at heart.